I am trying, seriously, I really am trying to not get caught up in the whole Super Mommy Wars that goes on in elementary school. But I am a dweller, a big time dweller. What breed of dog is it that never lets go of its prey? Mastif? Rott? Well whatever, I fixate and don't let go until I have talked my way through it and tortured all of my friends who let me into their dimly lit offices or answered my calls even when they see my number on caller ID. (you know who you are, and I apologize, but too much medication will effect my job performance, sorry)

Anyway, I am still reading The White Trash Mom Handbook, which I would highly recommend you buy unless you are one of the Muffia, and then I think someone should have the nerve to highlight passages and slip it under your windshield wiper while you are propositioning schmoozing the principal.

My previous post,where I threw myself my own pity party, and unknowingly joined the fray of the Mommy Wars because I expressed my jealousy for SAHMs, was written on the fly. At the time I just had this feeling that I was not measuring up and that I was letting my daughter down. This was coming from all the regret I had for working so much when she was younger and not being around. Now that I am no longer going to China six times a year I want to be as active as I can in her life, but I still keep my job. That is why yesterday was so painful for me, maybe. Do I wear that guilt and jealousy on my shoulder? Does my attitude exude contempt for all forms of social climbing? I am not sure, but there is something, definitely something, that makes it difficult for me to join in with the other moms at my daughter's school.

Yesterday was horrible, and yes I am dwelling, and since my husband has turned an unsympathetic ear, and he is the only person I can hold captive to hear me out, I am blogging about it. My other 'go to people' have either heard me out and have moved on with their lives, or they didn't answer their phone when I called yesterday. I felt just like I did at my sixth grade graduation dance. The same dance that I go a new "do" for. A "do" that required a perm that made me look just like a blonde Orphan Annie. An orphan with Battlestar Galactica glasses wearing a kick-ass Espirit sailor top with parachute pants and matching Keds. I spent that night watching all my friends get asked to dance and tried to pretend that I didn't care.

I was the wall flower at the dance at a meet and greet for kids and their parents. My daughter begged and pleaded with me to take her to a local cafe where all the school kids got free cookies and milk and the parents got to know one another. I told Anna I was not sure if I would be able to I would just have to look at my schedule. She wanted me to call my boss at home and ask if I could. Obviously this was important to her. One of her BFFs parents own the cafe so this made it even more important to her. So, I surprised Anna by being outside her classroom when the dismissal bell rang.

Without going into all the details, we went to the bakery and Anna saw all of her friends. I said hello or waved to some of the mothers I recognized. They were all grouped up in little huddles. Anna wanted to go sit with her friends but she didn't want me to be alone. I was completely self conscious that I had no one to talk to and tried to keep my self busy by getting a drink, walking up to the display case, and texting. But I hated being there!

This has happened before when I have gone to her school events, the dances, the field trips, the class parties, and their kid's birthday parties. It is just awkward as hell for me. Why? I am super extroverted, Type A all the way. I try and channel my sister, the one who is such an elitist she has never let her kids play in a McDonalds play yard (not that I blame her but COME ON!). But I have no idea what she would do, this whole thing comes natural to her. She thrives on social status and jockeying for position.

I am at a loss and I felt like a loser yesterday. My husband just laughs and tells me that is what I get for having my daughter in that school because that is what that school is known for. My boss is all what do you expect when 90% of the mothers don't work and they all grew up with each other. I guess I didn't realize how tough it would be. On me! Not my daughter, she loves it and she has friends and they all seem to like her too. But her mom? Not so much. So I will keep reading my White Trash Handbook and keep my chin up because I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!