• His ex-wife did get a new lawyer.  
  
• They now have a scheduling conference order 
• The judge is making them go to mediation and hopes to not see them back in his courtroom because they will resolve through mediation.
• Mediation is $200 per hour, per person, minimum of two hours.
• Her attorney was required to explain all the proceedings to Tony since he was representing himself.
• Her attorney stated that she has had many cases where the father cannot pay and the judge will tell him to "go flip burgers".
• Tony said he was completely willing to "go flip burgers" if he has to pay but then there will then be child care expenses that they will both have to split.  
• Her attorney scoffed at the amount he was ordered to pay originally, saying "$390 is nothing for two kids".
• Tony agreed that $390 was not much except when you do not have it AND they have joint custody with the exact amount of time and custody for both parents.
• Her attorney asked if he was behind in his ordered payments and he told her that yes, technically he was BUT he paid $400 in January after losing his job January 7th.  He paid $250 in February and then he filed for a Motion to Modify February 3rd.*
• She gave him some options for mediators and they have to have made an appointment with a mediator by end of April and they are to have a decision/agreement to the judge by the first part of May.

The good news is that he was not required to write her a check for child support, back or current, today, nor was that brought up.  He does not have to agree to anything in mediation and can take his chances in front of the judge.  

The Motion to Modify Child Support hearing is less than a half hour away. There are so many different emotions that I feel as the step mom and second wife. I think most people think of the divorced mother struggling to eek out a living with a meager earning and barely enough child support to put clothes on her children's back. And that is if she is lucky to get child support.

But what about the exceptions to this scenario? What about the father that has been ordered to pay child support and never misses his payment? What about the fathers that never questioned the payment as being unfair or too much, but resigned themselves that the ordered payment is just part of the consequences of getting divorced?

That is my husband. He has paid his child support, in cash, every month since his divorce was final. He did not question the amount, nor did he complain about paying his child support. He even paid ten dollars more to round it up to a hundred dollar increment. My husband has paid his ordered amount even though HE is not the one that wanted the divorce, and tried to stay together, but was unable to compete with the new relationship she had started while Tony was at work so she could stay home with their kids.

But the judge didn't and won't care about that. It is just math, at least in the state of Oklahoma, and for that I should be glad. Yes, I could bitch and moan about how she spends the money and how she wants ME to have to pay her now that Tony has been laid off. Yet, she does not want the kids to know that I am the one that is having to support her. She and I have not spoken since we all got together to talk about the future after Tony was laid off. She was very angry, though she never let on while I was there, that their daughter was led to believe that I, her step mom, would be supporting them. Even though that is specifically what the ex said should happen that now I needed to pay her since Tony wasn't working.

I am getting off on a tangent. Back to today's court case.

Tony will only have five minutes or less to state his case. He is representing himself, pro se. Oklahoma has a child support computation worksheet available online. You fill it out and then you use the commutated worksheet to present to the judge and have him sign off and file. Since their kids do not have extenuating circumstance, yet, like braces, medical issues, tutors, competitive sports, and the like that require extra out of pocket money, it should be cut and dry. They both have joint custody with him having 182 nights and her 183. However, since he has not been working he is the day care provider. He will continue to watch the kids all summer and the next two school years. If he has to get a part time job she will have to pay half of the day care expenses, thus taking away from the child support she could possibly get.

The what if today is- what income the judge will use for Tony? Her income has changed from $890 per month when she was a part-time waitress, while they were separated, to $13 an hour since July of 2006. A 35% increase! The child support was calculated and ordered at her part-time salary, below minimum wage. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE IN A RUSH TO JUST "GET IT OVER WITH".

Here is what can be ordered depending on what wage earning the judge uses for Tony:
Unemployment - ($24.64)
Minimum Wage, because unemployment runs out in May - ($29.04)
Based on his previous earnings at a three year average - $282.56
Median Income of what he could make in two years as a Radiology Tech - $134.95
Mean Income of a Radiology Tech - $171.02

All of this worrying could be for nothing. We do not know if she will show up today, if she has a lawyer, or if she will bring all the paperwork that is required to make a judgment. I should know by ten or eleven this morning. Once I am no longer on pins and needles I am going to outline how to create and get a Motion to Modify Child Support Order because not all divorced dads are deadbeats.

This was our family's third Christmas together. Last year my stepkids spent Christmas at their mom's and we went to Texas to my sister's house. Santa brought a Wii, we only have one child that no longer believes in Santa Claus. But I think we won't have anyone left next year believing in the jolly old man. Last year I bemoaned the whole Santa charade and was anxious for it to end. However, I did not welcome the question, two days before his planned arrival, if I thought Santa was real. I looked at Anna, wanting to blow the lid off the whole deal but knowing we had a plan in place and mommy does not like her plans jumbled, so I told her that when I was her age that yes, I thought Santa was real. I quickly left the room before she could ask anymore questions.

I have fully recovered from my night of wrapping presents and the Big Mac was a huge help. Now I am gearing up for all my baking, Christmas dinner at our house with the In-Laws, wrapping and packaging all the goodies I will have made for co-workers, neighbors, child care takers, and friends.

We had a great time Thursday night with my dad and his wife. They made reservations at a nice restaurant, The Polo Grill, and we had a private room so the kids were able to move around a bit. I would love to have the same room for a night with a group of friends. I think the food was fine, but the atmosphere was perfect.

After dinner we came back to our house to open presents. My dad's wife does such a tremendous job buying the gifts for our family. She literally gets exactly what you ask for. I have no idea how she has time for all of this with her job, her volunteering, her own family, and taking care of my dad. It is just amazing. Her attention to detail and her desire to make things so perfect and pleasant is really appreciated, especially taking into consideration that my dad is not really a joy to be around at the holidays. I am not sure why, he just seems to retreat into himself every year and the ones closest to him pay the price. He has great intentions and wants to use this time to express how much he loves us but somehow the actual celebration is too stressful for him. But after 38 years I have learned to accept it and not try and change or bring him out of his shell but to think of his intentions instead.

Anyway, my stepmom did GREAT! but the most hilarious thing happened. I really hope it is not embarrassing to her for me to tell, though I don't think she has read my blog but once or twice. But in telling this story it explains how much she tries to get every little thing on our wish list. BTW, I got a Cuisinart Food Processor and blender, waa-hoo!!

Okay, she sent an email wanting to know what place our girls would like a gift certificate to and the sizes for our kids. She also wanted to know what small gift my husband would want because they already bought him a handgun. The day I got the email I was in a hurry so I forwarded to my husband. He responded to me what he thought the kids would like and in his usual wise-cracking way he said, and I quote, "for me, a beret and parachute pants".

When I got it I sent it on without instructions to my stepmom, who reads it on her blackberry, while in the midst of shopping.

While opening my presents Thursday night, I opened a package that was from Banana Republic, in it was a beautiful cream cashmere beret. I thought how lovely I think I can make this work with all my black coats.

My stepmom was watching me and said very quizzically, you said you wanted a beret and this was all I could find. I looked at her like she was crazy, beret? Yes, she said, in your email but I looked everywhere and I could not find the parachute pants. They do not make them anymore.

OH NO! she didn't get Tony's joke. But the very first thing I thought of, and had to asked her, was if she had actually told anyone that I wanted parachute pants. I have my reputation to think of.

Last weekend my daughter was an overnight guest at her stepsister's house. I would never have imagined, in a million years, that would have happened but it did; and from all reports it went just fine. I was concerned that Anna would have a hard time not being able to have her stepsister all to herself and I was right, but she powered through only crying " that's not fair" once.

I have never seen inside the ex's apartment and now house. I have however, cleaned the house she once lived in with my husband before we put it up for sale. And OH MAN! It was gross. My stepdaughter would tell us little snippets of information that let us know she might be overwhelmed as a single mom being that housework was obviously not a priority. For example, my stepdaughter got lice and two months later she tells us that she doesn't have sheets on her bed. When asked why she told us she hasn't had them back on since her mom washed them because of the lice outbreak.

And then there was the staph infection. My stepdaughter ended up in the hospital for a few days with a staph infection on her leg. This happened during our court battle to modify custody so I had plenty to say about how I thought she got staph. Super judgemental about the ex's level of parenting and cleanliness. But what it really came down to was getting my stepdaughter to wash her hands more and to actually soap up and wash in the shower not just get wet.

I say all of this because even though I will admit I was totally curious what her house was like I did not ask my daughter when she came back from spending the night. I am turning a new leaf and to be honest it has been a lot less stressful not hating the ex-wife. However, my curiosity was relieved anyway completely without my prompting.

When I was unpacking Anna's bag from the sleepover I asked which clothes were dirty. That was when she told me that she didn't take a shower at the ex's. I said ok and thought nothing more of it. But then Anna told me why she didn't take a shower; she was scared. Scared? I asked her. Yes, she said because her shower was all black and moldy even on the walls and it was too scary. Inwardly, I was all about the smugness but said oh, okay that's alright. later I told my husband that it looks like his ex's cleaning habits have not improved with age.

So, when my husband found out yesterday that his daughter might have another staph infection and has to go on a round of antibiotics he became a little upset. Without even thinking about how tenuous my newly form alliance is with the ex he let her know that Anna said her bathroom was dirty! I immediately cringed and was all no, no, no, do not say that. He was all like, what? what did I say? I died. It was going to go back to stepmom against biomom.

Come to find out all the enamel is gone from her bathtub and shower walls so that no matter how much she cleans she can't get the mold out. I am ashamed and not so smug anymore. Now we just have to concentrate on what taking a shower actually means and singing Happy Birthday while washing hands. That will also include getting the kids to consistently wash their hands without having to be reminded.

Some things have changed in our post divorce family. I am not going to say we are now blended or that we are going to be co-parenting in a wonderful kumbaya way but all our baby's mommas were together in one house. For the first time ever, my husband's ex-wife was sitting on my couch eating birthday cake and telling me her tales of horror dealing with my husband's stepmother. I don't think my husband said much all night and when asked later about something that was said he seems to have blocked out most of the night. I thought it went great, he would like to never do it again and was a little blown away when I suggested to- let's just call her G.U, as in Golden Uterus-GU that we do this again for their son's birthday.

It was a bit surreal. I don't know what came over me but in the middle of icing a chocolate cake I made Monday night on a whim, I asked my husband what GU was doing for their daughter's birthday Tuesday night. He told me nothing because they were going to celebrate with GU's family Wednesday night. It was at that moment I did it, I made the call. While he was on the computer I got his cell phone, looked up the ex's phone number, and called her, from our home phone. She had to be reminded who I was, not in a dismissive way but more of a is the sky falling way. She agreed to come and we would see them after dinner. And then she did what she always does, she called back just to confirm and ask if she could bring anything. My husband looked like you would expect someone to look when they literally see, before their eyes, two worlds colliding. He commented that now she knows our home phone number. Then he asked me how much I have had to drink.

On the night the Golden Uterus was to arrive I made sure the entire house was picked up and floors were swept. Tony had multiple glasses of wine and Anna kept asking when GU was going to be able to see her room. I was pretty calm, not nervous at all, I just wanted GU to be nice and not act like she was Mother of the Year. She was and she didn't. The kids were excited way more than they usually are when they first come back from their mom's house. The littlest one was all lovey-dovey with me which was pretty weird. He kept hugging my leg and kissing it. Then he wanted me to hold him and when I picked hum up he proceeded to pat my back and squeeze my neck over and over. The only weird moment was when I was taking pictures, no one knew where to stand or who to stand by. After serving the cake and ice-cream the kids went into the playroom and we went into the den.

Within my husband's family there have been some issues with his dad's wife and her daughters. It is not pretty and it is completely wrong and downright hateful. In the past while we were dating and first married I was told all the problems were GU's fault and I believed them. They made some great points and I never heard her side of the story but now the exact same things are happening to me and our family. It is ugly and hurtful and this is where my stepkid's mom won me over, she called my husband concerned that my daughter was being mistreated by her ex-mother-in-law. Wow! maybe she actually does have a golden uterus. So we all talked and tried to come up with a plan to deal with the manipulation and unequal treatment of my daughter and my stepkids. During this time there were some moments when GU was obviously saddened and emotional. She said that 90% of their fighting had been about Tony's stepfamily and how they treated her and their family. I assured her that it was no different now even though I was led to believe she had been the problem. We now know who the real problem is. The only snarky thing she did was to tell me that I can quit cooking and baking so much because Tony has never had that before so I don't need to try so hard. I let that go.

At the end of the night she was given a tour of our house and was able to see her children's bedrooms. This is where I saw a change, very slight change but there all the same. I do not know what she expected. Did she think I would have kept them in a closet? A stark room without any color or accessories? I am not sure but I think she was hurt. Maybe it was because her daughter's room was clean because she asked why it wasn't at her house. I told her the rule in our house is they can play and ride their bikes as soon as their bed is made and their floor is picked up enough to run a vacuum through. GU said that we need to communicate more so that the rules are the same at each house. Now it was my turn to look up to see if the sky was falling.

Golden Uterus has pulled some pretty destructive stunts. Her frivolous custody challenge cost us over $8000. Her motion to modify did not change the custody arrangement. It did open our family up to scrutiny from social workers only to have them confirm what I already knew, I am not a child abuser she was a vindictive ex-spouse. This weekend was my stepdaughter's slumber party for her birthday and my daughter was invited, which is a post of its own. These are steps in the right direction, I guess, but I am taking this slow, real slow.

We have had a change in the visitation schedule for my stepkids. Which parent's home are the kids visiting when the split is 50/50? My answer: both parent's homes. When you put your head down on a different pillow every two nights how can you feel like you have a home? Even the terminology "visitation schedule" gives no sense of home or stability.

We changed last week to every Thursday night and every other weekend, EOW. The Thursday night, preceding a weekend spent at their mom's, will be a date night. On that night my husband will take his 9 year old daughter and 4 year old son out to dinner and have them back to their mom's by 7:30.

This change came about the week before school started. Their mother called and said that their daughter had asked her if she could stay at one house more. She felt like she didn't have a home, and she wanted to stay longer at her mom's. This is understandable considering how close my stepkids are to their mom and how they spend a large amount of time, each week, with their extended family on their mom's side. But my husband was crushed.

A couple of days later my husband, his ex, and their daughter met together at the ex's house. The normally passive, timid, and daddy pleasing little girl was able to express her wish to change the current schedule. She has hinted around at this possibility before, but very indirectly just testing the waters. I think staying at her cousin's, two times, for an entire week this summer made having one place to stay more appealing.

During their conversation several ideas were tossed around. Every weekend was pitched by their daughter which both parents agreed was not practical. Their mom's idea was Tuesday and Thursday nights they could come over to our house after work for dinner and be back to her house by 7:00 or 7:30. In addition, she would like the weekend schedule to end at 7 or 8 Sunday night so that they could sleep at her house the night before school. I think my husband stayed quiet, just taking it all in and suggesting that they all think about it and decide in a week. Did I mention he was crushed? His ex told him later that their daughter asked if she had hurt Daddy's feelings. Could you imagine? How sad for her, and him. Before they started talking he told her to just be honest and say what she would like to change. He told her that even if it hurt his feelings he still wanted what is best for her and what she wanted. He knows, even though it is painful for him, giving her a home she can stay in more than two nights is important.

Divorce completely sucks; even though I absolutely love my husband, I know in my heart the best thing for those kids would be for their parents to be together. He feels like he already had limited time with them and now it will be even less. What can you say to that?

My daughter and I have not seen the kids since the Monday morning the 18th. It has been weird, especially for their father, and my daughter misses them. For me, I have noticed my stress level decreasing, not because they cause me stress, but because of the stress I put on myself when they are around. I tend to need things to be "just so" and I need to stay busy just to relax and deal with the family dynamic change that happens every two days. But it has gotten a lot better for me as we are now in our second year of marriage.

We have them this weekend and I know he is looking forward to it. I think he is coming to terms with the necessity to provide stability for his kids but as he says, "It just hurts, you know." I think he was hoping, when the time came for a change in the schedule, our house would be the primary residence. We moved to a large house, together, so that each kid could have their own room and space to call their own. His daughter's room is almost as big as ours and their rooms are right across the hall from each other. We have a new puppy, a trampoline, a sister that adores them, neighborhood kids that play until dark, and they have their rock, their dad; but, no matter what all we can give them, we can never replace their mom and their love and adoration for her.

She might not act or do things the way we think is best or proper but her love for them, or rather their complete love of her, has not been questioned. There were times, when she first hit the dating scene, that the kids were put second but I think that is common with newly divorced people, and she was no different.

I think this was the best decision, not just because I am the wicked stepmom, but because I could not imagine moving back and forth between two houses every other night. I know they say the kids adjust but do they really? or is a 50/50 schedule just selfish on the part of the parents? See, divorce sucks.

My little girl started second grade today. When did I get to this point? How did she and I together make it to elementary school? That first year after she was born seemed so dreadfully long that I never thought about elementary school. When I bought my first house I didn't even know what school district I was in much less what the test scores tell you about a school.

I was in complete denial. Similar to when I found out I was pregnant. Oh no, it was not happening to me. I was still going to work at Warner Bros. eat in the commissary, go to Starbucks and Trader Joes every single day. At eight months I told everyone I worked with that nothing was going to change, nothing. They chuckled, completely under their breath, because in my hormone induce psychosis no one was willing to burst my delusional bubble.

Part of my psychosis while I was pregnant and getting a divorce, was to give my daughter her father's last name. I mean if I was going to go through the humiliation of having my mother as my Lamaze partner, then by God the last name will prove that I was married dammit, not just knocked up by some guy. Like a name makes everything okay.

Fast forward to our life now. My daughter is the ONLY one with her last name, even my ex's mother has a different last name. My various last names are a source of many jokes. Professionally, I have always gone by my maiden name but my passport and license is my ex-husband's last name. I wanted this so Anna and I would have the same name. Easy fix, I started to hyphen it. But then I got remarried and since I am not royalty three last names is a little much. At my company's Christmas party I got an award and the Director named off all three of my last names and said, well whoever you are come on up. Super classy.

Now my daughter wants to change her last name. She wants to be the same as our new family. I don't blame her I would want that too if I didn't know anyone that shared my last name in my immediate family. This year we were going to change it.

Last week during orientation, Anna went to the bulletin board to see who she had for a teacher. She saw that her last name had not change and she got a little teary even though she had the teacher she wanted. I told her I would handle it, thinking it can't be that big of a deal just some white out should work. Uh no. I was told, ever so patiently brusquely that her records would not change, she can "Go-By" her desired last name but nothing will change at the office and she will have to let her teacher know. In addition, she will still have to submit anything for the office using her name that is on record.

All this is fine and good, got it. But then the school receptionist said that her state lunch card will have to be in her legal name not her "Go By" name, and that is when I used The Tone. The Tone that ends all further conversation, The Tone that wins all arguments, The Tone that let's you know I think you are a complete idiot. Using The Tone, I told her that we don't have a state assistance card, we bring our own lunch. Thank you very much. And that all I was trying to do was allow my daughter to have the same last name of everyone else in her family, AS SHE REQUESTED. Not only was this woman suggesting I couldn't afford to buy my daughter lunch she was also confirming, in front of my daughter, that no matter what you call yourself you are still an outsider. I was hot and probably taking all of this too personally. Just sensitive to this I guess.

But this morning when I took her into her new classroom there on her assigned desk was her full name, the name of our new family. She pointed at it and smiled up at me. I hugged her and told her that see it was all taken care of.

Now, not only is my little girl a second grader but she is now has written proof that we are all one family. And I had more proof that The Tone is still effective.

When we were getting ready for bed I commented to my husband that this was the first holiday where nothing was planned to the max. And I LOVED it for that reason. We started off going to a neighborhood parade where the kids decorated their bikes and rode behind a firetruck. A girlfriend from high school organizes this huge party every year. It just so happens that another high school friends lives in the same development and she invited our kids to participate in the parade. They loved it. I had no idea that a fire hose could spray water that far. There was face painting, goodie bags, and firemen how could you ask for more?

After we went swimming for a couple of hours we came home and waited out the "When are we going to light fireworks?", "Is it time yet?", "When will it be dark?", "Can I light the biggest one?" Good times.

My dad, being the pyromaniac of the family, bought the kids a huge box of fireworks. When they got tired of the sparklers and started in on all the questions I had them kill time channeled their energy by yelling at them suggesting that they should line up the fireworks in the order they wanted them to be lit. It actually worked!

The four year old has switched his loyalties. He no longer shadows his oldest sister. He prefers instead to be near, at all times, my daughter. Initially she loved it. Someone to boss around, perfect. But after moving her chair further away from his she began to realize what a heavy burden adoration can be.

"But he is sitting right next to me and I am hot." Paybacks are a bitch sweetie.

Eventually he got very tired because he kept climbing into my lap and kissing me. At one point he put his arm around my neck and started touching my ear and stroking my neck. When asked if he was tired the answer was always NO! and then he would climb down to help light the fireworks. Everyone kept looking at the two of us because it is very rare for him to be lovey dovey with me. I tend to keep my distance as well letting his dad pretty much take care of him. It is hard to hear a running commentary about what his mom said, what his mom does, and what his mom has.

Divorce/stepfamily reality: I know it is not his fault and I am fully aware of my non-forgiving attitude toward her from when she tried to have the kids taken away. It is an ugly spot in my life that I can't seem to let go. But when her son wants me to hold him and I pick him up and he is as light as a baby I wish that I didn't hate her so much.

The idea was to finish our fireworks in time to watch three different firework shows from our balcony; Jenks, The River, and Drillers Stadium. This year we could barely see the Jenks show because of all the trees. That is strange considering all the limbs and trees we lost during the ice storm. At 10pm we drove to a parking lot by Drillers Stadium and waited for the game to end to see their show. During all the complaining that they couldn't see from the balcony I had failed to whisper that bright idea to my husband, oops!

Last Friday night we were invited to have dinner at my dad's and I was a little stressed about it. (you can read about it here) But I shouldn't have been. It was a great night!

My dad's wife was so incredibly sweet and she made sure we had anything we could possibly want. Plus it doesn't hurt that she kept our wine glasses full.

That is what is so different about being around my dad now, openly drinking a glass of wine or a beer. I grew up in a family where drinking alcohol was not tolerated. At all. (I did, for sure, A LOT, but never ever in front of or in anyway where they would have known) I do not think my mother has ever, ever had a sip of alcohol. I know that is hard to believe but it is true. When she was young my grandfather drank a lot. I think he might have been an alcoholic but it is hardly ever discussed, and with my mother's view on drinking being so skewed-two drinks and you are inebriated- I am not sure. But she has never tolerated drinking and assured us that when Jesus turned the water into wine it was just grape juice. I always thought my dad felt the same way and I think he does not like to drink but he doesn't freak out if someone has a glass of wine before their meal, during, or after. His wife has no problem with it and neither do her new stepdaughters or their husbands.

Last Friday night was the first time my dad's wife saw my sister and I interact with each other. Things had been so tense during their courtship-so soon after the divorce, and it was especially crazy and tense when they were planning their wedding. Their wedding and the aftermath is what eventually led to none of us speaking to one person or the other. But my dad's wife always kept positive and she didn't get bogged down with all the crap. For that I am so thankful.

I am also glad we went Friday night. Dinner was great, the steaks were fabulous, better than my dad has ever made. She made this wonderfully light lemonade pie that was a perfect ending to our meal. My sister's little girl played with my stepson and my daughter was able to soak up as much attention as she could.

There were a couple of times I caught my dad watching all of us and smiling with a faraway look on his face. There were no arguments, no talk of politics, no debating religions, only this small portion of our family getting together to share a meal and spend time together. Time really is helping ease my parents 36 year marriage breakup. It is softening the edges that is for sure and it is showing me what kind of stepmom I should aspire to be when my stepkids are grown.

My younger sister is in the area visiting her friends and staying with my mom who lives only five blocks from my dad's house. The same house my parents remodeled, downsized, and moved to while preparing to build on their lake property. Before they divorced after 36 years of marriage.

My dad and sister are finally on cordial speaking terms since my parents divorce 3 years ago. Now my sister can no longer avoid visiting my dad in the house he shared with our mom. Something I tried to do for as long as possible but since I live only 45 minutes away I ran out of excuses.

My dad and his wife have invited her and her daughter for dinner. They have asked my family to join them. At their house. For dinner. At the antique table that always wobbled a bit until my dad fixed it after my mom moved out. The table that will be set with plates my mom bought to match the kitchen. Prepared on the same island counter that I sat around watching my mom as she cooked. Things sitting on the stainless steel countertops my mom loved but that I thought were a pain to keep clean yet now realize how great they would be in my own home.

Even though it is not something I look forward to, going to the house my parents lived in together, I actually like the place better now. Without my mom my dad has less "stuff" and it looks more like a model home you can tour in a new suburban development. My dad's wife has a great sense of style different from my mother's but nice and comfortable all the same. She has made it feel open and airy.

It is just very hard to spend time in that house. It is the place where the arguments ended in apathy more than a true compromise. Where my dad spent his time in his office and my mother in the kitchen or sun room. Away from each other. It is where I spent my pregnancy crying over my divorce and the place I was sleeping the night I went into labor.

Watching my step mom cook using the pans and utensils my mother left for my dad is hard. Actually gut wrenching since it makes me physically clench my stomach and will the hard knot in my throat to go away so I won't cry. Much like watching Little House on the Prairie when I was younger.

Everyone means well. No one is intentionally trying to wound anyone. We are all just dealing with the reality like it is all normal and has always been this way. My dad is proud of what the place looks like and what they have done to it. They spend most of their time in San Antonio at his wife's house but for business reasons my dad has to come back to Oklahoma during the mid week. This is the first time in his life he has had to clean up after himself and he has done a great job. I think he is lonely too. I think he misses having us in the house. But it is hard. Very hard.

The eggshells we walked on while my parents were married have, for the most part, been swept away. There is no longer this undercurrent of tension and anger charging the house. That is nice.

But the memories are still there, and to be polite and kind to my dad's wife, my sister and our families will be having dinner tonight at my dad's. Steak. Divorce sucks. As a kid and as an adult. I think, like everything, time is the only thing that can help. Or a restaurant.......

Step families are quite common now days and if you don't actually live in one you at least have contact with one. I know when I was growing up in the 80's our town did not have many step families but there were a few. There was one family in particular that blended the mother's three teenager girls with the father's teenage sons (I think he had three too). I was always curious how things worked in their family, in particular sharing the bathroom and getting ready in the morning.

I had enough trouble with my younger sisters trying to embarrass me in front of friends and family and I will never forget the huge fights we had over who was in the kids bathroom the longest. When you are a teenager appearance is everything and secrets were not exactly padlocked and kept in a vault. Clearasil and Oxy were big in the 80's and they had yet to invent the disappearing formula. And who can forget the required head braces that last year of teeth straightening. How did this small town Brady Bunch family maintain their privacy? These kids all went to the same high school together and all the girls were absolutely beautiful and the boys were pretty hot too.

Well I am now livin' the dream! We all grew up wanting to be step parents right? No? That wasn't part of ya'lls future plans? Those fairy tale stories about the wonders and magical life of being a stepmother didn't make you yearn to be Cinderella's nemesis?

There is something that is inherent in our step family and that is modesty and the complete clothing of ones self when you open your bedroom door. And we have little kids 9, 7, and 4. But even during a storm when one of the kids knocks on the door TD pulls on a T-shirt before opening the door. If his kids are at our house I put my robe on over my pajamas. The kids do too. (Well mine is suddenly coming downstairs in underwear and a T-shirt which is what prompted this post)

It is not that we would be running around willy nilly in our birthday suits if we were a biological family, I seriously doubt that. But I have noticed differences in our behavior if just our bio kids are in the house. For instance, if Anna is the only kid for the weekend I will run upstairs and change clothes without shutting my bedroom door. If my step kids were there and even if they were outside playing I would shut the door just in case they came upstairs. A little over a month ago Anna was gone and we just had my step kids. TD did something I had never seen him do. He went out into the hall in just his boxers! No T-shirt and shorts. I do not think we consciously think about it. Like I said it is just this inherent thing we do, do not expose skin to steps.

This is just a tiny little peek into step life that sets us apart from biological families. Not that I ever, and I stress ever saw my mother naked. OH no! But my dad occasionally came out into the hall in his boxers to tell all three of us to quit fighting or else! But I think there is a more freedom--not quite the right word--with various stages of dress inside of a biological family.

But like I said I am livin' the dream and so far so good. And when we have a moment without any children........TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

TD and I both took a vacation day today to chaperone Anna on her field trip to the zoo. After choosing not to go on her Kindergarten zoo field trip and being the only parent not to go, yes out of four kindergarten classes Anna was the only kid that had to stay at the school after the field trip. They let her stay in the teacher's lounge and have a pop from the off limits teacher only pop machine. After that "Most Horrible Parent" moment I will never again miss a field trip.

Anna didn't know that her step dad was coming with me. She thought it was going to be just us.

I was telling her that when TD and I drop her off we will run and get the lunchables. She said, "What?! He is going with us?!!" (crying started) "I wanted it to be just us."

"I am going to be the only one with a dad there."

All these years I have carried this feeling of dread/guilt that Anna would feel left out when the other kids were making Fathers Day cards and she wasn't. Before I married they would make them in Sunday School, Pre-School, and Day Care and she would give them to me and I would tell her how beautiful they were. Today she acted just like any kid would that has had a dad their whole life. I didn't know what to do with my guilt. LOL

By the way, she perked right up when she remembered her step dad is friends with the guy who runs the primates.

Updated:
We had a great time at the zoo! It was very cold but we were able to see all the animals being fed breakfast, it was pretty cool. TD wasn't the only dad on the field trip either. Another dad was there too. I thought I was pretty lucky to have a husband that would want to help chaperone a bunch of first graders and spend time with me and his stepdaughter. I really love him.

My dad's wife has a daughter, Sarah, who is a singer in NYC. She entered First Tracks recording contest and could win a record deal. A furreal record deal!!

She needs lots of votes in order to win. You can vote for her entry here and you can vote every 24 hours. You have to enter your email address but it is guaranteed not to spam. Please help her.

I have never met my stepsister Sarah but I know from her mother that this is a huge dream of hers. So maybe all my friends could help. I would think that might make a great ice breaker when I finally do get to meet her don't you?

You can listen to her recorded track here.

So we took the girls bowling instead and they had so much fun.

Mercy Me was going to be at the Mabee Center which seats 11,000. The tickets were only $10 and there were 5 bands performing. Tickets went on sale at 6 p.m. and the concert started at 7. We had a babysitter for the 4 year old and it was just going to be the four of us.

When we got to the Mabee Center the parking lot was closed. TD found a way in and that is when we found out it was sold out. The girls were so disappointed, and so was I and TD was in disbelief that a Christian concert would sell out that fast.

We decided to go bowling instead. This is the first time just the four of us have done anything together and it was great! The girls really like hanging out with each other, and without having to entertain a 4 year old TD and I were able to relax and enjoy watching the girls have fun.

You can't even tell that Anna has Tylenol and Motrin coursing through her body to bring down a low grade fever can you?

There were times when Anna threw dropped the bowling ball I thought she would create a hole in the floor.

TD's daughter kept getting better each time she threw? rolled? her ball.

Anna has enough excitement for the both of them to make up for the 9 year old's quiet enthusiasm of a shot well done.

The area of my life that is the hardest for me, being a stepmom, was actually pretty great last night. I am so thankful for our family and what a great match God brought together with our girls.

We were all treated to an impromptu dance routine tonight after dinner. We have learned our lesson from past performances to limit the number to ONE dance. We have endured watched so many different interpretations of High School Musical numbers and Hannah Montana performances.

Anna loves to perform dances or cheers and lives for applause. TD's daughter is more of the choreographer and she can really sing.

I have always jokingly answered the question, "What do you want for your daughter?" with "I just want to keep her off and out of anyplace with a pole." Real flippant of me and half way joking.

However, watching the routine tonight I think I might have to really take up that cause. The moves were downright SCARY. Even TD's daughter has picked up some of the moves. Not quite to the extent as Anna but the backbend with a twist on top of the ottoman was a shocker. Anna sliding down into the splits while flipping her hair.....I can't even write it because it freaks me out.

But they love to perform and they love to perform together. I think the first 30 seconds of each "routine" is the best and then it breaks down into "the moves". We want to encourage them in all their talents. TD's daughter might be a natural runner and she definitely could be in her school or church choir. Anna loves to draw and paint. She has always loved to dance and has copied moves she sees on TV since she accidently watch Coyote Ugly was three.

But if they don't start making their interpretive dance routines more family friendly and less, "I dance for dollars", they might not make it out of the house once they hit puberty!

When Anna was born it was a welcome relief. Not just because I was hugely pregnant and miserable being nine months pregnant during the late summer in Oklahoma. No, it was more because my sense of fear and the anger of having to do this without a husband no longer seemed to matter. The embarrassment of going to Lamaze with my mother was such a distant memory. This baby girl was so perfect I had no idea why I was worried.

My pregnancy was nine months of riding an emotional roller coaster. After the initial shock of finding out I was pregnant and telling my husband, who had a vasectomy appointment scheduled, I had some major ups and downs. Mostly downs. Being served divorce papers at 10:30 p.m. just before leaving the next morning for Oklahoma was quite the downer. I thought I was going home to my parents so we could work through this.

It never happened. Many, many phone calls later it was a done deal. To this day I can't hear the factory Nokia ringtone without my stomach lurching. The conversations always ended the same way, that I was choosing a baby I didn't even know over him. We had an agreement don't you know. No. Kids.

Fast forward six years.

Last night TD, Anna, and I went to Target. They had both gotten out of the car before me and were walking toward the doors. When I came around the vehicle there they were. Holding hands. She had just automatically reached for his hand. He automatically took her hand. When she saw me she took mine too and the three of us walked hand in hand through the parking lot.

(Until she swung up so hard that she about ripped both our arms out of socket....but that kinda takes away from the moment)

The love of a step parent and step child may never be the exact same as the biological parent but watching the fondness progress to love is a humbling and gracious experience.

TD has stepped in to help me when I lose my cool. Like I did during my cousins wedding reception this summer. But this picture was taken soon after and she doesn't hold anger toward him like she sometimes does to me.

He has taken the time to teach her what Fly-Fishing is while on vacation with my dad and his wife. TD has so much more patience then I do with her.

He took her for Dads and Doughnuts day at her school. Those special times I knew were coming and my heart was breaking in advance.

She can irritate like no ones business. And spazzes out without any warning. He takes it in stride and waits for the moment to pass.

She is still not sure what to call him. She has tried out Daddy but she said that didn't seem right. She refers to him as her dad to all her friends. But right now it is his first name that she uses. Her stepsister, TD's nine year old, has said that Anna can call him dad because she doesn't have one and so it won't hurt the feelings of anyone. He already has two kids call him dad another one won't matter. We all still struggle with mine, yours, his, and theirs but eventually we will get it.